Where did she go?

The last time I wrote I had arrived in Zipolite and was anticipating both time spent with good friends and the subsequently my return home to see my kids. Although I haven’t blogged about that portion of the trip, I have uploaded photos from that time on the Shutterbug Stuff page under Zipolite, Mexico – April/May/June – 2019 and will possibly blog about it at a later date. This post is to update you on something different. If you recall, in that blog I had indicated that one of my primary focuses while in Zipolite was to figure out what my next steps were and that I was really hopeful that I could continue to travel until Spring of 2020. What I didn’t divulge at that time was that I was starting to have some minor but concerning physical symptoms that were becoming an ever increasing factor in what my future plans were going to be. Before you read further, I am for the most part okay – it’s not life threatening, but at least to date is life altering. Bear with me, I will explain.

While I was traveling with my parents I started to experience some sporadic pain and swelling in my feet. At first I didn’t really give it much thought considering I had been doing a tremendous amount of walking in primarily flip flops. I attributed the pain to improper foot support for some rather interesting terrain at times and the fact that whether I want to accept it or not, I am getting older. After I left my parents and arrived in Zipolite though things began to change for me quite rapidly. The pain in my feet was constant, I was getting aches in my knees, swelling in my hands and at times just overwhelming fatigue. There were days that I just simply didn’t want to get out of bed. I was fortunate that I had friends coming to stay with me for few weeks and those visits provided me not only time with people that I love but also forced me to get up and get moving about. As a general rule my mornings were full of aches, pains and general stiffness, but once I got myself moving things would improve somewhat but I did notice I was starting to have difficulty with simple things. Although I did not see a doctor at this point I was becoming increasingly concerned that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA).

Regardless of the concerns I had with my physical health, I had planned a trip home to see my kids in June, this became an opportune time to follow up with a doctor and see if I could get to the root of what was happening with me. As soon as I arrived back in Canada I met with my family doctor and kicked off a series of medical tests and follow up activities. After an extensive series of blood tests and x-rays, the doctor could find nothing conclusive (everything came back that I was the picture of health). As my joints had visible, significant swelling, my doctor prescribed me some anti-inflammatories and referred me to a Rheumatologist for follow up. Although the test were inconclusive, I was pretty certain that it was some form of RA and realized I had to make some decisions about what my next steps were going to be. I had booked a trip back to Costa Rica for the month of August already and fully planned to do that, but what was I going to do after that. I truly wanted to return to Ecuador for turtle season and desperately wanted to do some traveling through Columbia, Peru and Bolivia. But, the reality was I knew I needed to be back in Canada to continue follow up visits with both my family doctor and to see a specialist as soon as possible. So, before I returned to Costa Rica for the month of August, I reached out to some contacts and started trying to line up some work when I returned (Canada is expensive to live in lol, if I am here I needed to be working). After getting a few things set up in Canada (work prospect and follow up with a specialist) I headed to Costa Rica at the end of July.

My time spent in Costa Rica this time was bittersweet. I am so fortunate to have so many good friends in the Puerto Viejo area and I thoroughly enjoyed the time I got to spend with them. I also had the change to hop over to the other coast to spend a week with my brother and sister in law at their property. I am grateful to have had that time, but it was also incredibly frustrating. Each day I became more and more aware of the limitations I was facing. I have kind of glazed over it a little but every since late April/early May, every day has been constant pain. It varies throughout the day (night is always worst) but it has been a constant. The worst part though is not the pain, but the every changing impact it is having on me physically. I literally went from walking 20 kms a day to barely managing 1/2 km; from being able to split bamboo with a machete to not being able to operate a can opener; from hiking up steep banks/mountains to struggling to get up off the floor. As you know I am fiercely independent and these limitations have been hard for me to deal with. I would love to say that my attitude has always been super positive but there have definitely been days where it has been a struggle. All in all though, I am doing okay with all of it. There isn’t really an alternative, I need to just take this head on and figure it out.

While I was back in Costa Rica I received a date to see the RA specialist and also received confirmation on that work prospect. So now, I am back at Scotford and in many ways it has been like coming home. I have been here for a little over 4 weeks now and am loving catching up with some people I haven’t seen in more than just a few years. Working has been really good for me in many ways. It is pushing me physically which is good, but more importantly it has given me something to focus us on and has got me out of my own head a little. In conjunction with returning to work, I am under the care of a specialist now and have been officially diagnosed with Palindromic onset rheumatism and have started the process of figuring out which combinations of medications and lifestyle changes will bring me the biggest comfort. I am happy to report that I am finally getting a little bit of relief from some of the symptoms and am feeling pretty positive these days. I am coming to terms with the fact that my future may not be what I thought it was going to be a one point, but I am in the process of redefining a new normal.

Which brings me to my main reason for sharing all of this.  Does it blow goats that I now have a chronic condition – absolutely!  Have I had many days of self pity and slight anger – absolutely! Am also aware of how blessed I am and filled with a profound sense of gratitude -ABSOLUTELY!!!!

I left my job because philosophically I had to, but it was certainly not my plan at that time.  Although I have always talked about doing the things I have done over the last year and a half, it was constantly deferred to “in 5 years”.  The truth of the matter is I had become comfortable with my routine and yes, the money.  It wasn’t until I was put in a non negotiable position that I finally made the leap to do different.  And for that I am incredibly grateful.  You see this is something that I now know has been coming for a while (looking back I have been exhibiting symptoms for about 5 years).  Although I am frustrated and a little angry with my current condition, I am so blessed to have had the experiences that I did over the last year and a half.  Although my travels are not done, the reality is that it my future adventures will just have to be different.  Every day I am so grateful that I took the chance to experience what I have.  I have literally climbed mountains and swam in the depths of the oceans.  I have held some of the worlds most jeopardized animals and seen them take flight and be free.  I have laid at the bottom of a seabed and gazed in wonder as dozens of mobula rays performed and ethereal dance around me.  I have lost myself looking in the eyes of whale sharks and cried with joy as baby leatherbacks entered the sea.  I have sat at peace with the most incredibly beautiful ancient trees and listened to the symphony of this beautiful earth at every hour of the day and night.  I have learned how  to appreciate even the scariest animals in the jungle and how to build basic structures with a machete.  The list can go on forever – I truly am so blessed for what I have seen and done and so grateful that it happened. For to have missed the opportunity would have broken my spirit.

All I can do is encourage any of you that are yearning for something – DO IT. Live fierce and without fear.

Love and light 

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